Happy Accident

Similar to Goffman, I think it is so much easier to develop feelings for someone in person. Even short interactions with the person create ample material to fantasize about. You can place yourself in similar situations with the individual. It feels more natural than judging off a couple photos. Sometimes you end up falling for someone that you originally weren't even attracted to, but because of how they treat you or how they carry themselves you can develop a crush. Developing interest based off the information they “give off” as he explains, isn't available through online dating.

There is no space for real reactions online- it is an immediate judgement and no room for quirkiness or charm. I am currently in a relationship with someone that if I past online I wouldn’t stop for (not my usual type) and if I did, I think I would be disappointed by his in person “performance” because he is quiet. But although this attraction was unlikely for me because all I do is talk, and I never imagined myself with a quiet guy, as Goffman explains, the information he gave off spoke volumes and when in love we are willing to disregard an element and look at the whole.

It made me think about when I was going on my first couple dates with my boyfriend Nick. I didn’t think much of him in the beginning, we had a “hi and bye” kind of relationship and after being an acquaintance for 2 years I would've never guessed we would be compatible. I knew of him through a mutual friend and honestly I was bored so I asked him on a date. The story went like this: I told myself next time I saw him I would just ask him out and of course with my luck he was on the other side of the street and I said “Nick Gavin when are you taking me out” and he said “whenever you want” and I always think about the other strangers on the crosswalk and what they thought of it. I use this example because his response was so quick, like he was almost expecting me to ask. This gave me something to fantasize about and replay in my head for weeks leading up to our date. I was so intrigued by how he acted, his tone and confidence, his body posture, and eye contact because he is a quiet person I didn’t expect such a confident and direct response. Online dating leaves no room for these kind of spontaneous interactions. It feels so calculated, no room for surprise. 

I think this element of surprise that comes along with dating is similar to a "happy accident", you may have a certain relationship with a person but one question can change everything. That element of excitement is completely robbed from dating on the online world. I know this because I have tried online dating before.


Although, I had a very a-typical experience. The first and only guy that I expressed interest in was actually the first guy I saw on the app. Oddly enough we had so much deep conversation and ended up meeting in person multiple times. It was honestly so scary dating under those circumstances, it was basically a blind date. But it was a connection where you meet up around noon and end up taking the last train back home. We could talk for hours, I would say it was pretty real for something that started on an app. We ended up calling things off because he was starting a job in NYC and I was going back to college 4 hours away and at this point we only met up twice and even though we were constantly in touch everyday it seemed like bad timing. Fast forward to 4 weeks ago. He reaches out to me and asks how I am doing and apologizes that the virus robbed me of a study abroad experience because he "remembered that you were so excited". I kind of rolled my eyes reading the text because I knew it was more than the coronavirus that made him reach out again. To say the least I was shocked when he sent me a full blown essay about how I was the best thing he ever had and he regrets letting me go... and so on. To say the least I was shocked, not only did I not think about him for the last 8 months but I met Nick and have never been happier with someone in my life. I think this can show how online dating, and short term infatuations can be very real and that they can work. I am sure if it were different timing I would've dated this guy, he was incredibly sweet and honestly nothing I'd imagine to meet online. I can't completely rule out online dating, but based on my two experiences, it is so much more comfortable getting to know someone in person rather than through a screen.


I think in the world of online dating it is easy to be disappointed with the real life experience. I believe I had a very abnormal and lucky experience. I am curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. 




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